Hitting the Wall of Understanding

So I was thinking about a video I watched about quantum physics. The subject has always fascinated me. This particular speaker was doing his best to explain multi-verses, parallel universes, and other dimensional theories.

Like my eyes do when I can’t quite read small print, I felt my brain squinting to make a connection that didn’t exist, yet. This has been happening throughout my life on all kinds of topics. I hit the wall of understanding.

How about you, are you inquisitive to the point of discomfort?

I was just a little girl when someone mentioned the concept of Infinity, in the context of when you die you go to heaven and live forever with God and others who have died. What?? Whoa, maybe the thought of living forever above the clouds with that guy they taught about in Sunday school was intended to make me feel good but instead, it sent my brain spinning off into all kinds of scary detours: Won't I be lonesome without my family and pets? Won't my mom and dad miss me? What if I get bored – forever is a really long time, right? I hit a wall of understanding.

I couldn't quite wrap my head around a universe that went on forever.

On one level it made sense because prior to that my mind would cramp up trying to fathom the idea of a contained universe just floating around – what was the space that it was floating in? And where did that that space end? I hit a wall of understanding. As a pre-teen I read the book “A Wrinkle in Time” and reread certain paragraphs over and over again trying to soak in the explanation of dimensions, time, and space. I clearly remember being introduced to the idea that all things are made of atoms moving at various speeds which meant theoretically you could move the atoms of a wall (for example) and walk through it. I admit to bumping my head against our living room’s brown paneling several times in an attempt to prove the theory. I literally hit a wall of understanding!

It was only less than a decade ago that I really began to contemplate the concept and my relationship with God.

In the past I admittedly imagined God, Universe, Source, Higher Self, etc. as separate entities existing somewhere in a higher realm. Now I ponder all of the above and research what consciousness may be, beyond that which we attribute to our brain. French philosopher, Rene Descartes is famous for the philosophical pondering, "I think, therefore I am." But how large a role does cognitive thinking actually have to do with consciousness on every level? Believing my consciousness is created in my mind is like believing the WIFI signal is created in the computer. Sigh. I hit a different wall of understanding on this subject nearly every day.

So why do I even bother trying to understand things that make my head, gut, and heart spin??

And why oh why oh why can’t I savor the questions I have to the same degree I’m so impatient for answers? I think it’s related to the reason I kept asking my 5th grade math teacher, “But why does X equal Y??” It seems to be the way I’m wired and inspired. Part of it may be if I understand something I feel more in control. Although questions are like potato chips - one typically leads to another. Sometimes I envy those who aren’t driven by a desire to ask questions. I wonder if they have a more grounded sense of security and trust in their world than me.

Of course, there's a flip side: Not pondering the grand and small mysteries of our existence means missing out on the Whoa!! moments when suddenly something previously beyond my understanding comes into focus. Those moments are exhilarating, validating, and comforting at the same time.

My most recent Whoa!! moment was that the wall of understanding I keep bumping up against isn’t a wall at all...